On Dr. Phil today, his smug, salmon-lipped* wife is trying to make over five average Hanes-clad, hot flashin', White Rainin' women, without actually having to touch any of them because, ew, working class.
This process involves the magic of faaaaaashionista Steven Kajagoogoo, the apparent removal of their eyebrows ("Honey, makin' facial expressions is what ages you.") and a soldering iron.
How are these chicks supposed to maintain this lifestyle back in Owl Scrote, Ohio, where they don't have personal chefs or celebrity trainers or gay people? When Mrs. Phil's indentured servant prepared appetizers involving butter lettuce, you could practically hear them thinking "But that's TWO SEPARATE MEALS, y'all!".
*Not 'salmon' as in a J. Crewy color palette. I mean her Restalyn-enhanced gob looks like it has been constructed of two entire fish. The bottom portion of her face is like a giant, talking Pisces symbol.
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